Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
