I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
