my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
