I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
