I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
