I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
