"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize