How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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