took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
