woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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