When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
We have so much sex to catch up on
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Randomize
