apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
