Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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