Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize