I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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