I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
