The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
