K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
