I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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