she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
