When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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