I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
