Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
