Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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