I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
