I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
