I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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