why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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