Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize