I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
