after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
