Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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