guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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