I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize