I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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