i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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