You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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