u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
