If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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