I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
