Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
