20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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