i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
