ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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