Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
