Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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