She is in my trunk
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
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