Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
you inspire me to be a worse person
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
