the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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