he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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