New invention idea: vibrating tampons
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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