omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
