the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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