just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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