we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
