oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Randomize
