So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize