I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
well you can't waste a boner
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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