every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
